On Monday morning I got up at
8
am.
For my breakfast I had 500 hard boiled eggs and a cup of
tea.
For lunch I had an old car tire and a bucket of frogs.
For dinner I had a jar of anti-ageing cream and two meters
of electric flex.
On Tuesday I got up at
8 am.
For my breakfast I had a plastic ruler and next door’s dog.
For lunch I had 53 pounds of Guinness and then I went home
early and went to bed.
On Wednesday I got up at
3 pm,
For breakfast I had bacon and eggs, two cups of tea and some
holyday brochures.
I didn’t have any lunch, because it was too late.
For dinner I ate my briefcase and all of my wife’s clothing.
On Thursday I got up at
8 am.
For breakfast I had a bottle of washing up liquid and a car
stereo.
For lunch I had the plumbing from an on-suite bathroom and
two cups of tea.
For dinner I ate some important documents, a ski jacket, a
staple gun, a pair of shoes, a packet of biscuits and some ice-cream.
On Friday I got up early, because I had a doctor’s
appointment, so I didn’t have time for breakfast.
For lunch I had a Cornish pasty and a cup of tea.
For dinner I ate all of the plants in our garden and a
concrete paving slammer.
On Saturday I got up at
8 am.
I have to work on Saturdays.
For breakfast I had a bottle of muesli, but I barfed it up
on my trousers.
For lunch I ate the trousers that I have barfed up on and
then I went to the barber’s and got shaved bold and I ate all my hair on the
way back to the office.
For dinner I ate an electric drill and some coleslaw.
On Sunday I got up at
9 am,
I went to church without having any breakfast,
For lunch I ate a large grave stone and some grass.
In the evening, I went out for dinner with my wife and I had
scampi and she had lasagna.
David Shrigley
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